


Kywi Kill

by Jane_Dorocak



Series: PH hanahaki AU [3]
Category: Purple Hyacinth (Webcomic)
Genre: Body Horror, Character Death, Crack, F/M, Gen, Hanahaki Disease, Other, Sort Of, Watermelons, Weird Plot Shit, basically a garbage can on fire rolling down the hill, but we have some random references, disturbing imagery, kywi is normally not a cursed ship but now it is, only the voltron one is relevant, preferably don't read while eating, style consistency?, we don't sell that here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:21:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24860746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jane_Dorocak/pseuds/Jane_Dorocak
Summary: When I started writng Kywi hanahaki AU I talked abt it to a few friends and one of them said to me that when I said Kym is going to throw up watermelon flowers they thought she'd start frowing up pieces of watermelon afterwards and I couldn't get that idea out of my head since.So this is one very ugly crack fic inspired by that.Also a belated birthday gift for my sister.Happy birthday, you little troll!!!!(UPDATE - LINK TOFANARTIN THE NOTES (and also here bcs I don't know what I'm doing))
Relationships: Kym Ladell & Watermelon, The Butler/Lady Arthingham, William Hawkes/Kym Ladell
Series: PH hanahaki AU [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1767712
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	Kywi Kill

“But then… oh then I saw the flowers flowing from his mouth and I asked _-my dear butler who did this to you?-_ And he gently took my hand and said _-only you, my lady, but it’s been worth it-_!” Lady A cried out, mascara smearing all over her face with the tears of joy.

“And that’s when I realized just how foolish we were. We both threw up flowers of unrequited love for each other for so long, so certain we cannot be with each other...” she continued talking gesturing wildly around herself.

Lauren just nodded and glanced over lady A’s shoulder over to Kym who was sitting behind the desk on the other side of the room, trying her best not to burst out laughing. 

Lady A came in about an hour ago as a witness to a burglary on Greensburry street. Giving her testimony took barely ten minutes, however, she somehow managed to bridge the horrible but honestly quite ridiculous dog stealing incident, into a whole tirade about her one-of-a-kind talented brilliant incredible amazing, show-stopping spectacular butler and their never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before love story, which involved a nosy parrot a proposal from a vicar, who also turned out to be lady A’s cousin, at least one alien lesbian made of rocks and - in its latest stage - an odd disease named hanahaki which apparently makes people throw up flowers if they don’t confess to the object of their love.

Lauren, who had the questionable honour of taking the lady’s testimony, had tried to stop her several times, but by now resigned to nodding quietly and sending pleading and threatening looks to her Sergeant friend while the old lady wasn't looking.

At last Kym managed to calm down enough to stand up approach lady A with a gentle pat on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry my lady,” she said, “but… officer Sinclair here is quite busy, and I’m pretty sure she took your whole testimony so if you could leave-”

Lady A looked at her with an expression of utter confusion.

“You’re kicking me out?” she gasped. “But I came to give my witness to-”

“Yes, and you already did that,” Kym interrupted her, “but common, you’ve been here for more than an hour. Isn’t that lovely butler of yours going to miss you?”

Lady A frowned.

“Are you mocking me, young lady!?”

“Not in the slightest!” Kym protested raising her hands. However, the lie in her voice must have been apparent even to those who did not have Lauren’s ability, because Lady A’s face only darkened, and the woman stood up, stomping her feet.

“Oh, you don’t believe what I say then!” lady A cried.

Kym shrugged.

“I did believe until that flower vomiting part. I’m sorry but that sounds like from cheesy romance fanfic.”

Lady A turned red with anger.

“How dare you, you insolent brat, how dare you to compare my love to some fanfic trope! You have never suffered through the vices of love yourself!”

Kym took a deep breath.

“My lady I-”

“Enough!” lady A cried and stumped her feet once more.

“I’m leaving!”

And with that, she marched out of the office the bird in the cage on her head chirping angrily as she did so.

Outside of the precinct, a car waited for her, with her beautiful butler inside.

Lady A practically jumped into his arms, sobbing mercilessly.

“Oh, my dear butler!” she wept.

“You have no idea, what an insolent brat I met inside of the police station! Oh, how she mocked our love and you too!”

The butler gently patted her head and listened as she complained about her incident with that blue-haired demon.

“Don’t worry, my love,” he whispered to the ear of lady A before planting a kiss on her mascara stained cheek.

“For you know those who dare to insult such as love as ours will certainly receive punishment from the great Eros himself.”

***

Sure enough, a few days after the lady A incident, Kym started to feel a bit sick. First, it was just some itching in her throat, but then she also developed a nasty cough. And nasty meant _really_ nasty. Kym Ladell did not have one of those feminine gentle victorian-maiden-dying-of-consumption types of cough - no she coughed like a veteran sailor who lived solely on chewing tobacco for the last forty years of her life. For several days, she kept on scaring her fellow officers and Lila - especially Lila - by random violent fits of cough that could last anywhere between a few seconds to full four minutes and there was no sign of her getting better.

Of course, she claimed she was fine.

“I just have allergy for the paperwork, that’s all,” she argued every time Will, Lauren or Lila told her to go to a doctor.

“That’s not a thing,” Lauren would reply.

Kym would only scoff at that.

“Of course, it is! Just look at the evidence! It’s worse here at work than when I’m at home. And it always gets worse when Will comes around with his stupid face and stupid paperwork. Ergo it's paperwork,” she pouted again and again.

Most people gave up at that point and just let her have her thing.

After all, it was just a cough.

Then came the flowers. At first, it was hard to tell if they even were flowers - the petals were just small yellowish things, too small to arouse any suspicion. But then she started coughing up small flower buds and soon after even whole flowers - small and yellow but unmistakable flowers. That was much harder to ignore.

“It’s just like that old lady said,” Lila gasped in horror when she first saw the small petals. Luckily, her, Lauren, and Lukas were the only ones who even knew about that whole thing. The last person she needed to know was Hermann or -god forbid - Will. 

Unfortunately, the moment, she started sprouting flowers they started sprouting theories.

“That old lady might have cursed you for making fun of her,” Lila suggested and shivered.

Lauren frowned.

“I don’t think so - that woman said she was a victim too. And I looked it up - hanahaki is an actual disease."

She glanced at the Sergeant.

"Though how you contracted it is still a mystery to me, Kym.”

“Hmm,” Lila frowned, “True. But the fact it can be broken by true love does sound more like a curse.”

“I think it was the bird on her head,” Lukas added. All three women turned to him surprised. Neither really expected him to join in on the conversation. 

Lukas only shrugged.

“It was giving me weird looks,” he said and then looked up at Kym.

“So you gonna confess or die?” 

Kym scoffed.

“Please, I have no one to confess to! No love, no problem!”

She chuckled and almost toppled over as the flowers came in with full force.

When she stopped and looked up she met with three every unimpressed though slightly worried faces.

Lauren sighed and crossed her hands on her chest.

“So, it’s Will,” she said.

The other two nodded. Kym blushed.

“N-no, it’s not him.”

“Common, Kym,” Lauren replied, “You said it yourself - it always gets worse when he comes in.”

“Alas, I was mistaken. That was but a mere correlation, not causation.”

Lauren just rolled her eyes.

“Surely. Don’t lie to me. I saw you a few weeks ago. You two had a bonding moment – actually, you had several of them.”

“You cradled him in your arms,” Lukas added matter-of-factly.

Kym’s face burnt bright red.

“Na-ah!” she crossed her hands in front of her face.

“Don’t remember! Didn’t happen!”

Lauren and Lila exchanged glances and then turned back to her.

“Kym, there’s no shame in liking him,” Lila tried soothingly.

“You’re right," Kym replied, "There is none because I don’t like him.”

“Then why he’s the one person you’re trying your hardest to hide it from?” Lauren asked.

“No, I’m not doing that.”

“I’m sorry Kym,” Lila said, “but the only reason I know about your.. an illness is because you made me help clean up his desk after you threw up flowers all over it.”

“The only reason I know is because she threw up in my cup when he came into the room,” Lukas added.

“Oh, common guys!" Kym cried. "I don’t want him to know because he would worry too much. You know him. A big mother he-” she didn’t finish as another fit of cough sent her to the nearest trash bin.

Lauren winced but she came closer to her friend and patted on her back encouragingly.

“Look, Kym, I don’t know what exactly is happening to you, but for god’s sake go to a hospital.”

“Or to that weird lady,” Lila quipped.

“She might know more.”

Kym was about to protest, but then she closed her mouth.

“Lila, you know what? You have a point. I drop by tomorrow. Just give me her address - it should be in the report Lauren wrote when that woman was here the last time.”

***

As it turned out - rather, unfortunately, Lady A and her handsome butler left the city a few days prior for “their third honeymoon” - whatever was that supposed to mean.

But strangely enough, Kym's symptoms vanished along with them. The next day after she went to visit them, she found herself free of coughing up flowers and coughing in general. Even scratching in her throat subsided significantly. Of course, it was up to question whether Kym got cured or the symptoms just subsided because Will was for a few days out of town on some family business - nevertheless, everyone in the office appreciated the peace.

But then it came back - and even worse than before.

One moment Kym was laughing at something and the next she was spitting out flowers and chucks of something red across the floor.

At that moment the office froze. Everyone’s eyes were now on Kym.

The sergeant stood up and gave out a nervous laugh.

“This must be some residual stuff that got stuck in my throat,” she said not too convinced of herself. 

_Just what the hell was happening to her._

Lila stood up and hanged her a handkerchief.

“Oh, dear,” she muttered eyes fixed at the mess on the floor.

“But you never coughed up blood before.”

Lauren leaned down in front of the red and yellow puddle and using her own handkerchief picked a bigger chunk hiding in the whole mess,

“This is not blood,” she said after a moment and then looked up.

“Kym’s coughing up watermelon.”

And with that, the time stopped for a moment.

Now, there are several ways how one can react to the fact watermelons are growing inside of them or their close ones. 

The most classic set of reactions includes silent stare with your mouth open; repeating the phrase: _What the hell?_ over and over; surprised wheezing; hyperventilation; nervous laughter; and/or crying. 

But under no circumstances should one go over to said coughed up watermelon, pick it up and _taste_ it.

Not that it would stop Kym.

“Hey, it’s actually not that bad!” she announced cheerfully after the first bite.

Lila gagged. Even Lukas paled slightly.

“Disgusting,” he muttered.

Lauren took a step back.

“Dear God, Kym!" she groaned, face twisted in shock. "You just threw that up.”

“Correction!” Kym retorted reaching for yet another piece.

“I coughed it up. And honestly, it’s so goood. You should try some to Laur-”

“You cannot be serious,” Lauren snatched the piece right from under Kym’s nose and held it out her reach.

“You’re happy about this?” she asked still baffled.

Kym shrugged.

“Well, it is free watermelon. Now gimme back my watermelon!”

Lauren paled.

“No. Kym no!”

“Kym yes!!”

As Will returned to the precinct from a tiring family trip, he had a distinct feeling something went wrong in the office and that it was a) Kym’s doing and b) at least partially going to be blamed on him despite him not having been in the precinct the time.

Therefore he was only mildly surprised when a pair of hands stretched out of the supply closet and dragged him in.

“So, what is going on?” he asked as he was faced by the unlikely trio of two officers and a secretary.

“I’m sorry, lieutenant, but we need your help,” Lila said visibly green in the face.

Will frowned.

“Alright,” he said none the wiser.

“With what exactly?”

Lauren took a deep breath.

“ It’s Kym.”

Will sighed.

“Of course it’s her. What did she do?”

“She's been throwing up flowers for the last few days,” Lukas said.

“We looked it up,” Lila added.

“It’s a rare form of illness when the love you have for someone - if it’s not returned - well, turns into flowers.”

Will raised his brows.

“I’m sorry, Miss Lila, but is this some sort of a game? Because I don’t think-”

“It’s real. Look,” Luarne showed a handkerchief full of yellow flowers right under his nose.

Will flinched and gagged.

“This is-”

“Yes,” Lauren nodded.

“But it’s worse.”

“How worse?”

Lila and Lukas looked at Lauren. the red-haired Officer sighed and reached into her pocket

“There were just chunk a few days ago,” she said.

“But this morning she coughed up this.”

She pulled out a watermelon roughly a shape and a size of a chicken egg and then cut it in half.

The small watermelon opened in her palm two perfect halves, they inside as red as blood.

“We think there’s more,” Lauren added.

“inside of her. And it will continue.”

For a moment he stood there staring blankly in front of him.

“Please ask her out!” Lila squeaked.

Will blinked.

“E-excuse me?”

“The flowers, they come from unrequited love. And Kym has a crush on you,” Lauren explained.

"If you confess... she'll stop."

Will took a deep breath feeling his cheeks flush.

“Excuse me?”

“She denies it obviously,” Lukas added.

“But she likes you, Will,” Lila grabbed him by the hand.

“If you like her back... she can get back to normal. No more flowers, no more watermelon.”

“No, but,” Will drew a sharp breath, “Excuse me?”

“You already said that three times,” Lauren warned him.

Will shook his head.

“This must be some sort of joke.”

“We wish,” Lukas muttered.

“Please Will. Take one for the team,” Lauren pleaded.

Will pursed his lips. He refused to believe it. Throwing up a watermelon? Really? and because she loved him? No, nooo, Kym did not love him. She loved to tease him that was for sure. This must have been one of her pranks.

Surely.

He took a deep breath.

“You know hits is not funny,” he said.

Lauren’s face darkened.

“We are not joking, Will!”

“Surely,” Will opened the door and stepped out of the supply closet.

“I’ll talk to Kym, don’t worry. Her pranks need to stop.”

And with that, he headed to the office and closed the door behind him.

He returned about half an hour later, his head hanging low.

“So, how did it go?” Lila asked ever so optimistic.

“I’m sorry,” Will whispered under his breath.

“But I cannot… I cannot do this.”

“What!” Lauren grabbed him by the shoulders.

“You cannot do this to her? And to us!?”

"No, give him a break!" Lukas intervened, separating the two.

"You did your best," he turned to Will and patted him on the shoulder

“I'm really sorry,” Will muttered, his voice weak and broken.

“AI thought I could… could see her as more than a friend and a coworker but… seeing her there stuffing herself with that watermelon… she threw up one just in front of me and then... she offered me a piece... And she said herself she's fine... that she's not afraid of death if it's this way... I... I just cannot.”

He glanced at the door that stayed closed behind him.

“And she cannot either. She’s too devoted to the watermelon.”

Lauren was about to protest, but then she realized there was nothing but the truth in his words.

“No… I know,” she sighed her hands curling up to a fist.

“You did try...”

Tears started to swell in Will’s eyes. 

“I’m sorry, Lauren,” he repeated.

“But this for once is something even I cannot handle.”

He took a deep breath and with that left the precinct.

Kym managed to live for another year. The watermelon was slowly eating up from her just as she was eating up from them, but she never looked happier. Her eyes sparkled whenever she spoke of her beloved watermelons, her skin cleared and gained a lovely pinkish hue. After some time vines started sprouting from behind her ears and curling up around her head like a wild crown made of leaves and flowers - a sign of dedication and love she had for the red fruit. She brought the scent of watermelon and summer with her wherever she went, oh so sweet and yet so macabre.

It was like the watermelon blessed her in a way, made her into its sacred vessel and now she floated above all, the watermelon chosen.

After some time, the plant started crushing her from the inside, breaking her lips and making her torso swell. But she only smiled as she ate - the sacrifice was worth it.

She died on the first spring day, just as the flowers started to bloom outside.

She died in a bed of watermelon leaves and sprouts that emerged from her body.

She died with a smile on her lips tainted red with the juice of a watermelon.

She died her eyes closed, but her heart and lungs opened, letting the plant that grew inside finally reach out to the sun and the sky.

They didn’t bury her - they couldn’t, not with all the plants growing out of her.

Instead, they took her behind the city and planted her body into a very shallow grave - they didn’t even cover it.

The legend has it, the watermelon still grows there. There’s a man who takes care of it. His hair is already more silver than gold as it used to be, though he himself still is young. He sometimes talks to the plant and protects it from any that might cause harm to it.

"And that's the end,” the nun concluded and looked around the group of children sitting in a semi-circle on the grass in front of her.

“Any questions?” she asked. 

A hand rose.

“Yes, Emily?”

“So she just died?” asked a girl with two red ponytails.

“Yes,” the nun nodded.

“But she could have been saved!” another kid protested.

“Yes, she could. But she chose something more than mere love of a man,” the nun replied.

“And is this story really, reaaally true?” the ponytail girl asked again.

“Yes, to the last word.”

“Did you see it with your own eyes!?” squealed a boy in blue trousers.

The nun shook her head. A strand of pink hair escaped from her veil but she tucked it back.

“No. It was Brother Kieran who told me this story. And you know he never lies.”

The kids’ eyes widened.

“The weird farming brother Kiki?” a girl with double chin asked.

“The one that painted our chapel?”

“I heard he got yelled at by father Flemming for painting the picture of Adam and Eve with Eve having short blue hair and eating watermelon instead of an apple!” a short girl with freckles added.

“Nu-uh,” the boy in blue trousers protested, “it was because he painted Archangel Michael with the flaming sword as a red-haired naked lady!”

“No, it was because he drew the devil that Michael was stepping on so it looked like brother Tim.”

“Really? But brother Tim didn’t seem angry with that!”

“That’s because he’s too kind!”

The ponytail girl turned her face to the nun.

“Either way, brother Kieran never speaks. To anyone. So how could he tell you this, sister Bella?”

“He used to speak a long time ago,” sister Belladonna replied with a sigh.

“But after he witnessed what I just described to you, he realized the futility of searching for happiness here on Earth. In his words "I might as well go to the nunnery". He told me and everyone in Phantom Scythe this tale and we also realized that would be the best course of action, so we left the city behind and came here.”

She patted the girl with freckles on her head.

“But that's enough for today. Let’s hurry for the dinner, or we make brother Dylan very sad.”

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, you made it to the end.  
> Woooh, this was longer than I expected.
> 
> Shoutout to [ Monica_Tailor ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monica_Tailor) for providing me with the initial prompt AND providing this fanfic with fanart.  
> Link to that can be found [ here ](https://monica-tailor.tumblr.com/post/621827869048487937/behold-the-latest-round-of-inspiration-ping-pong?is_highlighted_post=1)  
> Please go check it out, it's hilarious.
> 
> And another thanks (?) to my sister who came up with the ending (meaning the whole Kym dies thing - it's her birthday fic, she can choose what ending it gets).
> 
> To you reader - thanks for reading, have a nice day and stay sane.


End file.
